Category: Feelings

So Deep…

My feelings about life are so immense and overwhelming that to live day-to-day is easy.  When I think about the moments I have felt, it makes it so much easier to be normal, even though I know that I am extraordinary.  I am focused, for the most part, on fulfilling my dreams.  I have a couple of quirks that can be fixed in no time with the opportunity.  I am set on a path and I LOVE IT!!!  What a husband I will make someday.  I have programmed myself to be the best that I can be, and I am doing it.  I hope everyone can share the feelings I have now someday.  And as well I hope that everyone does what they can to make their lives better in the moment a.s.a.p.  Start now, and finish sooner.

I am not a player…

I am ready to settle down with a woman forever.


I wanna cry…

I can’t stop dreaming about this one woman.  I have tried everything I can think of, and nothing works and you know why???

Because I love dreaming about her.  I love it when she is on my mind and it is driving me crazy, making me cry at work, or kissing the air because I am so caught up in a daydream that I don’t even notice it untill its too late and I catch myself with the biggest grin god would allow on my face.  I love it when I have dreams in which there is another female and my soul hurts because I can’t stand the thought that I am hurting her in any way, yet I have never met her.  I love it when I dread the future and all the worst case scenarios that could happen, because I know that she is a better woman than all of them combined.  I love it when I cry painful tears thinking I will never meet her and am in anguish.  I can’t think of anything else I want to write.  I just wanna cry.

I feel like I am gonna fail.

I have to get another job and as well get my business up and running.  I need about another month and a half in order to do both of these.  I also have to save at least $3000 in order to be able to leave to Ireland in 2012.  I just feel as if my dreams wont come true and I will die in this horrible place L.A.  LOL

Even though its not so bad, I wonder why I actually moved here.  I just don’t see how I would ever run into my dream girl at all.  I had about six dreams about her since I have been here alone.  It’s killing me.

She is with someone who will cheat on her if he hasn’t already and I will never kiss her smile.  Trying to let go of dreams in order to survive is a horrible feeling.  I hope you wont.  Really, I still wish that I could meet her somewhere here and tell her everything…  Fat chance of that happening though.  L.A. is so big there is just no way i’ll ever see her.  I just have to focus on my business and working these two jobs while saving the money to move.  I don’t wanna be here when the Big One hits the Pacific.  And I wont.

Making even 2.2 trillion in life without a family to me is failing.  I feel like I am going to fail…

Celebate living

Trying to save yourself and doing just that is hard.  I quit fucking over a year ago and won’t untill I get what I want.  Sex drive is so weird, like…  It’s kinda like I don’t have one in a way cause no girls seem attracted to me, (even though they are), and since I don’t wanna really fuck them “harmless” flirting really isn’t that.  I just know I am not this fucking machine that can plow girls untill they feel completly fucked…  Yet, when I do have a sex drive rush nothing to do to handle it except masturbate.  Boring as all hell kinda.  But I am happier knowing that I am remaining this way untill I want to change.

I am just not doing so well with this wait for her thing.  It’s hard having feelings that you know you are not going to induldge into.  In the end it will work out for the best no matter what.  Its destiny.  For now though, I am still keeping it zipped in with no slip ups so far.  i actually turned down or avoided at least 5 chicks that wanted me, and I was sober…  NICE!!!

The first here in Hell.A.


So, they are overwhelming as usual.  Work slowed down because I couldn’t take the pressure of management at Del Taco, (I know right…  What a loser), but it’s actually the hardest job I have ever had thusfar.  There basically are no breaks for a manager there and they pay only $9.00 per hour to break your ankles basically.  I feel like I am gonna have to suck it up and take back my position as a shift leader, but I don’t want to.  I feel like a failure even though I have accomplished more in the last year than in my entire life as far as moving foward positivly.  I quit smoking, drinking, went vegan, got promoted twice, stopped something else I don’t wanna say, got a bank account again, started working out regularly, etc… etc…  So blahg it right. 

I also feel like my dreams are just a little too much to handle.  I mean, move to L.A. to maybe run into someone you’ve dreamt of 120 times, but you probably wont.  If you do, she wont want you, she can have someone who manages Taco Bell or something.  I feel like the man I am who I know is good enough to please her, just isn’t for some reason… Balance???  IDK

Why do some or most people not care what they do to you, only what they do themselves?  Selfishness blows people, try not to be that way.  It never pays off in the end. 

I really feel like my life has been a waste if I don’t accomplish my dreams…  C’est la vie (sp)  Once again I don’t know.  I really wish I had more than just me to get me through this life, but really all I will ever have is someone telling me it will be okay and then waiting to see if it really will be or if it will fall apart and I will snap like a fucken dragon.  Flower power baby, flower power.

I feel kinky…