Category: Whatever

I don’t really know.

I know not what the future holds.  I can only imagine.  And much of it is the other half of my life.  It’s not all good.  I have no idea what is to become of me or my dreams.  I have tried so hard to become who I am now and want to be forever, but my dream is not one-sided.  And my other side has no idea I even exist.  I can’t help but feel depression in ways.  You can try your best at something and still not feel the best, I guess.  When you don’t get the feedback you need, what is to become of your vision?  How can you move on after all you have invested?  Can you even do so?

I urge all of you to follow all of your dreams.  If it is a need, it will happen.  The wants in life are mostly short-lived and taken for granted very soon after getting or feeling them.  It is so hard to know that your heart is what leads your actions, when it seems to your mind that it as well as your soul must be wrong somehow.  To have impossible dreams is to be one who can lead.  Yet, to have everyone go against your feelings is too much to bear alone.  And I am alone.  Having comfort only in one’s mind and half-hearted comfort from others who are too preoccupied with their own endeavours is difficult.  Then again, maybe that’s life testing you and I to see what lengths you are really ready to go to in order to fulfill your dreams.

I seem to always push it to the limit in life.  I have been through so much and seen so many things.  I am getting tired now.  Tired of being alone in this world with no one to love me truly.  My heart has an impossible mission for me, and I can’t go against it.  It makes you wonder what relief and triumph over weak and hateful individuals feels like when your main dream is reached.  Can it really be this good?

I believe that having someone who can see how much you care really is what we all need.  Will I ever meet her?  And if so, will she see how much I care for only her?  All I can do is wait, and try to prove to her every waking moment that she is the one for me.  Giving my heart even when I feel I can’t because it will be shattered.  Trusting her.  Putting my life in her hands.  Does she know what she could do to me?  Will her past make her think I am stronger than I am?  I am not those men.  I am her man.  Will she honor me in this world full of deceitful liars and cheaters and never be one of them?  I can only live and show her that I am not and will never be one of those.

I am scared of getting cheated on by the woman I care for, okay.  I said it.  On with another fucken day at the drive through.  I hate this right now.


Today, 12-14-10

So, today was cool…

It was my little sisters 21st birthday, so happy birthday Taija.  You are loved and one of the few people who will always be positive when its good and pissed off when its bad plain and simple with no bullshit.

I went off to A.A. meetings to promote my Life Coach business and discovered its not that easy to do so.  I found one guy that might call me, but I didnt really have anyway to promote.  I just sent for my business cards today.  500 of them.  That should work out great when I have them.  I am going to go to the courthouse after I am certified and see if the Judge will refer clients to me.  Thats a neverending business if any.  People are fucking up a lot here.  And I can help them to not fuck up.

I just realized that a water pipe burst two floors above us and the guys cieling on the 8th collapsed in on him and shit.  No water in our house, but it was crazy taking a shower and having only hot fucken water to rinse my butthole with!!!  LOL

I had a good day.  I bought a new book called “Dianetics”.  It is amazing so far.  I cannot wait to read furthur..

Well, that was my day today.

New job.


What a cool organization.

I am very glad to have received this chance to work for them.  A frontliner is what I am officially called.  I recruit members to donate capital to keep the environmentalism going.  I want to break records with this group here in L.A.  I feel as if I am ready to make a great change in the world.  Wanna help???  Sign up for membership with greenpeace and get into the mix and the know of whats really going on with your future.

Lots going on.

I have a job at Del Taco working around 35 hours a week, scheduled 40 though.  I have a pending employment opportunity with Best Buy that I don’t wanna wait for, nonetheless I have worked for it vivaciously.  I am going to an interview with Green Peace this afternoon for a full-time 5 days a week job.  I am getting my business up and running soon.  And I also have a lawyer for a case against Del Taco at the moment.  I also have a cold that I am working on getting rid of, laundry to do, studying for my business, as well as excercise to handle tonight.  Wow, eh?!?!?!  Not that much compared to some people I suppose, but I feel productive today like no other!!!  LOL

Small business is great if you have people that you trust around that you can use for a mutual gain.  But, thats a long shot.  Better just to do it yourself.

Even corporate owners put too much trust into their fellows and get the full draft shaft.  I could totally see that happening to me someday.  Heh heh, the wife uses everyone I know to take everything away and leave me with nothing for someone else.  Pfffft!!!

Id either kill em, or just be like so what and leave.

Either way, i’ve only lost in life for the most part and wouldn’t care too much.  It’d suck, but life goes on.

People don’t want to be managed…  Thats a problem.  They go to work and aren’t happy.  So they give attitude.  Too bad, eh???  Maybe if they were aware that they were being taken care of, they would be nicer to the bosses.

You’ll never stop bitching and backstabbing, thats for sure.  Always gonna happen even if you think like I do.  Give it all away except a small amount, and hope they understand…  But they wont.

Human nature is.  And the nature is that we are self sufficant.  Too bad, all alone most of us would fail miserably.  What an entity the human race is as a whole.  So beautiful and filled with so much potential, yet just wasting itself away due to products it uses.

All I can say is fuck it…

Try your best and know that you are doing the best that you can.  Respect the fact that you know everyone else tries their best at any given point even if it’s not your best, and they improve.  It works…

Just live on being as strong as you are and fuck the people trying to hold you back up any way you can.  Unless it’s with negative intent.  That’s bad…

Work hard on you, and business will take a close second.  Make sure “you” includes only what makes you happy.  Let everything fall into place.  For my business to succeed, I need Avril to be happy with me and my actions (if I ever meet her even).  That will take care of my “you”.  As I said, as long as you are taken care of, everything else will fall into place beautifully.  Every day will be brighter and every night darker…

Business can provide the means for dreams…  Just don’t let it take you over.  Your meant for love, not for abuse…

L8er Sk8er

My day off.

So it is my day off.  One of two during the week, but Sundays are my real day off in my mind.  It is the only day that when I have a family and business to run, that I want to sleep in and then just help with my wife to handle the day.  All the other days, I want to work my ass off as much as possible.

Of course I will always love to sleep in a little on Sundays…  But there is nothing wrong with that at all.

I hope you see the light in the dark as I do.  A day off is a blessing even when you work the entire time, because you are still living another day in this life to experience, learn, and grow.  Have a good next one.

It’s my birthday.

Happy fucking 27th.

Nobody but me here.  I feel so positive, but as if life is draining me as well.  I have so much to do and yet, feel like I don’t.  My life could be such an inspiration to everyone, and at the same time would make everyone cry when they were alone and really feeling what i have been through.  I cry for other people all the time.

And yet, people don’t care.

Huge dreams…  They are so massive…  There is so much…

Without help, I will not accomplish my true dreams.  And the worry kills me without the support of the woman I need.  She is out there somewhere.  But not here for me to lose myself in.  Damn it hurts…

I feel ready and mature enough to handle everything that goes into making a marrige work that would otherwise fail.  I have taken all the necessary steps to be the best husband that exists, truly.  Please help me soon universe.  I don’t want to know the outcome if this doesn’t happen.  Suicide, murder, long life alone?  Only one looks like my choice, but only one made by force and lack of opportunity.  I don’t want to live alone.  I want to make a family and love the woman I have dreamt of more than anyone including myself.  Will she allow me to?

Only time will tell…  Untill then, happy 28th next year self.  Handle your business and go to Ireland.

New Home.

So, I have a new home.

I love it very much.  It is costly, but nevertheless I love it so.  LMAO



FOR A GOD DAMN ROOMATE SITUATION!!!  It’s just hard to find a room that someone will rent to two people at once.  LOL  That is all NIKKKKAAAAA!!!

L.A. and Gay

So many people here are gay.  You’d think San Fransisco was the cap for this, but Hollyweird I think tops the charts.  I think gay people are sexually abused or something to get that way, but they say they were just born like that.  So be it…  Doesn’t help that i’m not gay.  Knowing guys and girls masturbate thinking about me is too much.  I don’t like that. 

Here though, you can’t escape it…

L.A. and Gay